On Vulnerability and Asking for Help

I suck at both.

I am not sure exactly when this started for me. I was always a pretty independent kiddo within my peer group. Sure, I was very social, since I’m an extrovert, but I also learned through some of my experiences as a child that asking for help or showing weakness wasn’t usually to my benefit, in fact, it was usually to my detriment. Ok, so I do know where it started. Where most things for us start, childhood trauma and negative reinforcement.

I learned quickly that the rules that seemed to apply to others didn’t actually apply to me, or rather, I had a harder time working within the unseen social structures given my neurodiversity.

Now as an adult, who’s mostly processed her childhood trauma, my lack of asking for help is not that I think people will think less of me. Ok it’s a little bit that. More it’s the deep fear that to expose my vulnerabilities will allow others to abuse that. It also feels like I’m admitting I’m imperfect — which to my silly brain means damaged and not worthy of others friendship, support or collaboration.

Our brains are really fascinating. I know that asking for help doesn’t detract from me, in fact it’s almost always a benefit. As someone who loves people and learning new things, there is no better way to do both of those things than to ask for help, but I, like many, have been socialized to believe that I should already know and not ask for help. For anything, which is beyond unreasonable. For me this is also compounded by the really perfectionist tendencies that I’m currently trying to let go of. It’s a false sense of control. A incorrect belief I could control something, therefore eliminating the unknown and vulnerabilities which just gets us right back to where we started.

It also manifests for me in the area of self care as well. I tell myself I’m fine or I can just push through it, but then I get overwhelmed and things disregulate and come crashing down. If I had just taken five minutes to meditate, or prioritized sleep, or any one of the many things we can choose to be good to ourselves, and give our vagus nerve a change to regulate — it would go a long, long way to better overall health and regulation. And yet, my brain tells me the opposite, that it’s not a priority and doesn’t even do anything if I did take the time.

So what’s the solution? For years I’ve been trying to outsmart my own brain. Which is another level of weird. And now that the brain injury is now a factor as well, it’s added another level of “how am I not myself”*. It’s a strange experience to “know” your cognition isn’t working well and therefore you don’t know what you think you know or should know. 

In lieu of a New Years resolution which I don’t do, I’ve tried to set small intentions, and goals. Many of which likely would benefit me as they become habits, but also granting myself a lot of grace, and many things that work for others don’t work with my brain. 

What I’ve been able to conclude, is that even though asking for help, and actually gereral vulnerability for me is difficult, surrounding myself with kind and safe folks means that I can actually do so — and so every day we practice. One vulnerable moment at a time. 

*That’s I Heart Huckabee’s movie reference. I realize that will miss most of you.