On Being Neurodiverse
When the Normies built all the systems.
Like many of us, the pandemic hit with a whirlwind of chaos, fear, and the unknown. But what stood out to me was how much I seemed to be struggling compared to others. It was clear that something was different. We all know stress isn't great for our brains and bodies, especially when it lingers, but this felt like more than just stress.
As time went on, I began to unravel a truth about myself: many of the structures I had built into my life were actually coping mechanisms. They were safety nets I had unconsciously woven to navigate my own neurodiversity. It was a revelation. Most of these mechanisms were tied to places and activities outside of my home. So when the COVID-19 lockdowns came into play, everything changed. Those vital support systems I hadn't even realized I relied on suddenly vanished.
It occurred to me that I should likely get evaluated to see if what I suspected, that I has some form of Attention Deficit Disorder, was in fact accurate. I was told many women tend to be diagnosed with ADD not ADHD - so I felt even more special when my results came back and showed that yes, in fact I had the illusive H. For me, it’s less about hyperactivity - although I have been known to figet or bounce in a chair if I’ve been sitting too long, or to help me process. Most usual for me is hyper-focus. I can get lost in painting projects and have no idea how many hours have passed. Or I get stuck on something, and my brain won’t let it go until I have solutions A), B), C) and maybe even D) in case the other three fail.
I’m only about two years into my diagnosis, so I’m still learning about my specific ways of acclimating, learning and understanding how my brain works. My initial feeling when the diagnosis was confirmed was anger. For most of my life I have really struggled to find “my people” and often didn’t/don’t feel like part of the group. This diagnosis gave me the tools and vocabulary to understand better. I’ve also come to realize that even without realizing it “my people” tended to be others with neuro-diversity.
Anecdote - when I was originally diagnosed my care provider, trying to be helpful gave me - a person with ADHD - a list of 10 books I could read to learn more. I promptly went to the library with every intention of reading them. I opened the first one, and for the first 30 pages of the book every other sentence was highlighted, margins were annotated, and extra notes written. Then about page 32 through the rest of the book - nothing - completely blank. I cracked up in the library. A perfect case study for how ADHD works for many of us.
If you are interested - some of the books that were suggested to me are as follows.
Driven to Distraction, by Edward M. Hallowell M.D. (Author), John J. Ratey M.D. (Author)
A Radical Guide for Women with ADHD, by Sari Solden MS (Author), Michelle Frank PsyD (Author), Ellen Littman PhD (Foreword)
Taking Charge - Adult ADHD, by Russell A. Barkley (Author), Christine M. Benton (Contributor)
Last word - My care provider vehemently disagrees, but I felt like the diagnostic test was very biased towards folks in male identifying bodies. Many of the questions didn’t describe my particular behaviors. I’ve had to make a concerted effort to work on my impulse control, and distractibility and when I’m tired and overwhelmed that tends to be one of the first skills to go.
What I’m thinking about today : Good Friends. A friend of my daughters came in to town last night and we got to hang out with them. It was touching to see my kiddo and friend pick up where they left off - time and distance having little to no impact on the lifelong friendship. It’s magical to watch.
Favorite link of today: & the table. A friend of mine from Minneapolis - who is a phenomenal host in her own right, introduced me to & the table. I love the idea of meeting smart women and sharing a meal.
Watch this: Reservations Dogs, streaming on Hulu. The third season is happening right now, which will be the last. This show is incredible in its imagery, storytelling and understanding of the nuance of Indian/Native culture, land, reservation live and regular teenage angst. It’s a transformative show, sharing perspectives that most non-native folks have limited or less context for. Needless to say, I’m a big fan. Also, Dallas Goldtooth is phenomenal.
